


Failed in Each

by osmalic



Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: F/M, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2005-10-25
Updated: 2005-10-25
Packaged: 2017-10-21 04:46:17
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Underage
Chapters: 1
Words: 8,669
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/221068
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/osmalic/pseuds/osmalic
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>"Remus Lupin thinks a lot about loneliness, gaps, touches, and Severus Snape. And Lily Evans. But mostly Severus Snape and touches." From first to seventh year, Remus sees the Severus and Lily's blossoming relationship and attempts to have one with Severus as well.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Failed in Each

**Author's Note:**

> Thanks to my beta Halxyone, and for comments. Further edited and rechecked by , for which I'm eternally grateful.

**i.**  
Remus Lupin did not notice the pale and wretchedly skinny boy on the way to Platform 9 ¾, nor did he notice him on the train, although he _did_ notice the redheaded girl around his age whom he would later learn to be Lily Evans. She talked quite a lot when she managed to corner him in his compartment ("Have you read _Hogwarts: A History_ yet? No? Honestly! Am I the only one who's read it?") but she left immediately and joined a bunch of other first-year girls.

He would probably not have noticed that pale and wretchedly skinny boy until a few days later as he was too busy being enamoured with the majestic Great Hall, the talking Sorting Hat, and the other grand things that would spell his great adventure for the next seven years. Moreover, he was also too confused as he tried to find the correct classrooms while also getting to know his roommates and housemates themselves.

It was only during their first Flying lessons when James Potter, one of his roommates, called his and the others' attention to that boy at the end of the Slytherin line and identified him as "Snivelling boy," followed by, "Don't you know how to tuck your feet properly under the broom?"

"Snivelling," Sirius Black snickered. "Snivelling Severus Snape."

"Just right for his new nickname, eh?" Potter ribbed his friend and they laughed.

"Leave him alone, Potter," Lily Evans demanded shrilly.

"Or what?" Potter teased.

All the Slytherins rolled their eyes and smirked. As fun as inter-house rivalries were concerned, being witness to arguments within others' houses amused them more.

Remus' eyes turned to the strange boy and finally saw him; it did not surprise him that he had not noticed. "Snivellus" _did_ seem like an apt nickname as the boy appeared to be shrunk and withdrawn to hide inside his oversized robes. Clumps of greasy black hair fell over his face to frame a prominent hawkish nose and sunken dark eyes glowering at the three bickering Gyffindors. He hovered around a metre off the ground but his legs dangled awkwardly as if he expected to fall quite soon.

But almost too soon, the boy stiffened and glared at his direction. Remus did not look away, although he knew it was rude; instead, it was the other boy who looked away first to glare at the laughing pair of James Potter and Sirius Black.

It would be another few months before he would notice, but from then on, Remus's eyes would automatically wander through the corridors to find a silent shadow of that boy. Once found, he would immediately look elsewhere and concentrate on his task. It did not seem strange, he assured himself when he began noticing. He just did not like suspicious characters; they might notice things about him that he would rather keep secret—like the fact he was a werewolf.

That's all, he told himself firmly.

 **ii.**  
During Remus Lupin's second year, he began to realise that he was attracted to boys.

It was uncomfortable, to say the least, because he somehow gathered that many of his friends had yet to discover sexuality. He didn't think it had anything to do with his lycanthropic nature—during the summer holidays he had heard some off-hand news about mysterious viruses being discovered and he hoped he would not be susceptible. Still, trying to hide his discovery about his sexual nature was especially hard since he currently hung around a dorm full of boys.

He was lucky he harboured no such feelings for his roommates. There were supposed to be five of them in the room but one of them had not returned from his summer holidays, so there were only four of them left. It turned out to be a good thing because Remus' monthly disappearances were suddenly discovered when one night after the full moon James Potter drew back his curtains quite forcefully and demanded, "Are you or are you not a werewolf?"

Remus jerked up from the pillow and stared wide-eyed at the three boys standing at the end of his bed. "What—" he started.

"Don't try to act dumb," Sirius Black announced, and Remus could not help noticing that the moonlight from the window glinted nicely off his head, as he had adapted the raging "skinhead" fashion only during the holidays and had spelled his hair against growing back. "We know you're a werewolf."

"Are you?" Peter Pettigrew, the quietest of the roommates, asked.

"No!" Remus shouted hoarsely.

"Are you sure?" Potter asked, seemingly disappointed.

"Because," Pettigrew offered, "it would be _so cool_ if you were."

Black nodded quickly, leaning forward. "Wicked," he confirmed, and Remus could not help but bark a weak laugh as the moonlight bobbed on Black's head.

So his secret was out but he had real friends now; after a few months, he stopped being fearful and was actually glad someone knew. The three turned out to be interesting and friendly, and Remus was grateful, as he'd never had any friends before. Potter was the natural leader of the group and actually knew co-ordination; Black was the rebellious and almost insane one with his ideas for pranks and tricks; Pettigrew was the quiet trickster with the thousand silly and hilarious ideas. Remus never dared to hope that he would find such friends but he did.

And it did not matter that he was attracted to boys at a young age because he tucked it away at the back of his mind to make way for this friendship. While his eyes might have strayed towards some older boys in the Gryffindor common room or in the Great Hall towards other students from various houses, he found himself more preoccupied with the pranks and tricks that his friends were determined to play.

On the train on their way home on the end of their second year term, his eyes again caught a lonely and dark figure in a compartment and realised it was Severus Snape of House Slytherin. Remus glanced away quickly but his mouth tried to say the name, let his tongue catch between his teeth to form the sound: _Severus._

He found himself smiling.

 **iii.**  
During third year, Remus would realise he was infatuated with Severus Snape; even after three years he found himself staring at the boy once his senses confirmed that the Slytherin was also present in the room. He did not learn this quickly; he had lots of things in his mind, like trying to keep James and Sirius out of trouble, keeping up with the schoolwork, and researching the advantages of Animagus abilities.

Fortunately, the problem that was James and Sirius' situations did not fall solely into Remus's hands; Lily Evans had somehow made it her personal vendetta to keep them in line. "You're the ones who keep us from gathering points!" she shouted once in the common room.

James seemed shamed but only replied, "It's not like we don’t gather our fair share of points, Evans."

"I hardly think that rearranging the words in Severus Snape's Charms essay so yours can look better qualifies as points! You should be ashamed!" Remus noticed that Evans' face could turn almost as red as her hair.

Sirius was miffed. "It got you top marks, too, Evans."

"That's not the point!" she screamed, and left the room in a huff.

Looking back, the frustration of not being able to beat Severus Snape should have been a sign for Remus, but he did not pay attention to Evans, who was merely a housemate and therefore someone who could garner points for Gryffindor's fame. There was something about Severus Snape, though, that made Remus continue to mark him as if prey. Over the years, the Slytherin boy had gained some confidence about him and had begun to show his abilities, easily surpassing many of his housemates and even some Ravenclaws, much to their frustration.

Remus, however, only realised the depth of his fascination for Severus Snape during a joint Slytherin and Gryffindor Astronomy class. While the rest of their classmates tried to squeeze closer to the telescopes of the Astronomy Tower rooftop, Remus hung back and allowed them to locate the constellations; he thought of nothing except to wish that bedtime would come sooner, which would only be an hour or so from then.

At mid-yawn, his eyes caught a flash of paleness at the side. Turning, he found Severus Snape _("Snivellus",_ as James in his head admonished since he and Sirius had taken it upon themselves to tease the Slytherin mercilessly) again blending with the dark combination of shadows from walls and bricks. The boy had not noticed him; his long pale throat peeked over his black robes as he tipped his head farther, farther to gaze at the stars.

The expression on his face _pulled_ something in Remus that made him want to join Snape, to touch his hand and see where the boy was gazing. There was such hunger and loneliness that betrayed an interest in the lesson, coupled with an almost lightness in Snape's expression; Remus wondered what would happen if he strode towards Snape, if he let their fingers thread, if he whispered, _"I know all about loneliness, too. And wishing for something that'll never come true."_

Yet somehow, he thought he might be content sitting in the shadows and watching Severus Snape in his solitude. There was something comforting about knowing someone whom he and his friends tormented could be lonely, and he found it most intimate to realise that the loneliness made the ugly little Slytherin boy so lovely.

Then Snape froze as if realising he was being observed and he glared at him. "What are you doing there, Lupin?" he spat out.

Remus blinked. Snape had always hated him and his friends for constantly tricking him; was Snape so aware of him that he would initiate a conversation?  "I'm just waiting for other available telescopes."

The shadows over Snape's eyes deepened as his eyes narrowed. "Then stop staring at me."

"Stop looking at me, then," Remus replied, his heartbeat pounding louder. There was a thrill in his veins, singing and rejoicing with the attention. Snape had only ever argued with James and Sirius.

The Slytherin was irritated. "You're the one—"

"Severus Snape! Your turn!" barked the professor.

Snape's mouth shut with an audible click of teeth and he swept away quickly before Remus could say anything.

It was then that Remus first felt the rush of desire pooling from his brain into his groin; it was wonderful and confusing at the same time, but somehow it only occupied only half his mind. The other half was busy watching the pale and slender hands currently caressing the telescope's tripod and Severus Snape's hollowed cheek pressing against the eyepiece. Remus wondered if he would ever be allowed to touch that skin.

 **iv.**  
Remus Lupin was in his fourth year when he learned that Severus Snape was in love with Lily Evans. He could see it in the frantic way the ugly awkward boy snatched his wand and pointed it at Remus and his friends, only to hesitate once Evans came round the corner and threatened to bring the matter to Professor McGonagall or Professor Slughorn. He could hear it in the string of curses that flew from Snape's mouth in his eagerness to pile them together: "Filthy. Ugly. Revolting. Mudblood. _Gryffindor."_

It was also in this year that, to his surprise, he realised that Lily Evans liked Severus Snape as much as other girls grew to like boys. He could see it in the way she quickly whipped out her wand in thoughtless retaliation, the way her lips seemed to quiver with righteous indignation—and disappointment?—while she listened to Snape's anger. And it could be heard with the way she started to scream back, only to catch herself in the midst of a sentence before abruptly turning to leave.

He knew all these things, yet never really believed them until one late afternoon when he realised that he had left his Transfiguration essay in the library and went to fetch it, only to come across Snape and Evans half-hidden in the shadows of a deserted corridor, facing away from the setting sun. Remus stopped dead at the sight of them, frozen in spot and knowing he was intruding yet not able to help himself; he stood at the corner next to a tapestry, knowing he was hidden from their sight by the lengthening darkness.

It would probably not have mattered, as they had their eyes only for each other. Their forms were not clear in the fading light, but Remus saw how hesitantly Snape held out his arms and how Evans, in contrast, unhesitatingly leaned closer. Their forms were so close that he could barely make out that there were two people together, and he could hear their voices rising slightly as if they knew that the moment was safe for their words to be exchanged. Here, Remus heard Evans say something in a low voice and then—then—

Snape _laughed._

It was a mere chuckle, hardly filling the vast empty corridor, yet it seemed like the most wonderful thing in the world. The sound pierced something deep in Remus which he thought was his heart, but he hysterically thought it must be his stomach because he was in great danger of losing his lunch and it hurt _so fucking bad_ that he wanted to curl into a foetal position and die in both shame and rage. With this thought, he soundlessly whirled around and briskly made his way to the Gryffindor tower with the intent of dying to the tune of his broken heart.

He was already in the common room when he thought, quite logically, that death by broken heart wouldn't really be an excuse for not passing his Transfiguration essay so he went back, intending to be as loud as possible and interrupt. As expected, however, Snape and Evans were gone; in their place were now lit torches that lined the walls and spoke nothing. Remus continued his trek to the library, retrieved his essay, and went back to his empty room to brood.

 _Well,_ he thought to himself angrily as he arranged and rearranged his books, _what was I expecting? That Snape would suddenly realise he was in love with me? That he'll realise I'm queer? That he'll realise_ he's _queer? That I'm the one who'll magically rescue him from his tormentors-who-are-my-closest-friends? And what about me being a werewolf? Hah! HAH!_

And he accidentally ripped his Transfiguration essay into two.

The next day, he received strange glances from Peter and James as he handed in his essay, and Professor McGonagall had a few sharp words to say about students who handed in Spell-o-taped parchments. He did not care; he did not wish to speak with his friends and he refused to even glance at Lily Evans' direction.

That afternoon, he felt only a little sorry that he turned a blind eye when Sirius and James caught Snape on his way from the Potions classroom and hexed his legs to turn into jelly so he would trip and drop the mounds of books that he was holding.

 _If he were holding potions,_ Remus assured himself, _I would be more concerned. Books can be picked up._ He checked one of them that had dropped heavily next to his feet. _And they haven't a tear, anyway._

"You _bullies_!" Evans shouted angrily from behind them. "Wait till I tell Professor McGonagall!"

"He started it!" James pointed at Sirius who muttered quickly, "Thanks a _lot_ , mate."

"Severus," Evans started, holding out a hand but Snape was quick to recoil.

"I don't need your help," he hissed. His dark hair fell over his face, covering his pale skin, but there was still the hint of his enormous nose peeking out from the greasy strands. "Just don't—I'm _fine."_ And he clutched his collected books to his chest and immediately left.

Halfway through Potions class, an explosion of smoke from Remus' and Peter's cauldron forced Professor Slughorn to separate them, much to Remus' consternation and to Sirius's delight as he quickly made his way to replace Remus' place by Peter's side. Peter was the only one among the four of them who had the highest chance of passing Potions, and while the current partnerships of Peter-and-Remus and James-and-Sirius were fine with them, it was obvious that James' earlier quick deflection from his best friend miffed Sirius. More shuffling—as Remus and James were not the best Potions students—and James ended up with Evans' Hufflepuff partner while Evans and Remus were partnered.

Evans hardly paid any attention to him; her concentration was on the potion. "Put in the mimosa _now,"_ she ordered. Remus obediently sprinkled the leaves over the cauldron and proceeded to stir. Evans was glancing at her book, frowning. "Then you stir for five minutes—"

"Are you and Snape dating?" he interrupted.

Evans paused and raised an eyebrow at him, but Remus saw how her face had paled. "What—why do you think that?" she asked slowly.

"Because—" Remus paused before continuing hollowly, "Because you look good together."

And it _was_ true, he thought to himself miserably. If Evans could make Snape laugh then it meant she was perfect for Snape. Snape liked _girls_ and Remus had to remember that. Snape and _girls_ , even though it had never occurred to him before that Snape could ever like anyone, not even him. But with Evans, Snape could be transformed. Remus couldn't do that, he couldn't even stand up to his friends. Even though Evans wasn't a close friend, she was a fellow Gryffindor, one whom Remus admired and liked because she was nice, spunky, and intelligent, one of the most intelligent witches of her time. Remus didn't really know her that well, but he knew enough of her reputation.

And she made Snape laugh. It had to be enough.

"Thanks," Evans answered automatically before her eyes widened and she stammered, "But we're _not_ —where do you even get that—?"

Remus didn't bother chiding her. It wasn't his business if Evans didn't want to acknowledge the relationship, although a part of him thought that if Lily really loved Snape, she would defend him and admit it to everyone. After all, Remus had a reputation for being a nice boy. He told himself, _If Evans loves him enough then she'll have to tell someone eventually…if she really does love him._

"I just thought it," he managed to say.

"It's none of your business, and you shouldn't tell anyone. Now stir! _Counter-_ clockwise!"

A week later, he saw them walking at the edge of the Forbidden Forest, talking while not-quite holding hands—and he realised that while he still felt a pain in his stomach, it wasn't quite stinging anymore.

And he remembered that Astronomy class when he saw Snape's face, saw past the ugly features for the first time and found a desperate bid to hide his loneliness and anger. He remembered how easily Snape's fate would have been his: friendless and alone, dangerous and arrogant. He remembered how it was uncomfortable to realise that while he could have befriended Snape, there was also the unnatural pull Remus was experiencing whenever he chanced on the Slytherin's hands, wondering how it would feel against his own.

He had wondered if they could bridge their own loneliness by the touch of hands and _connect._

But that time, watching Snape and Evans, Remus thought he could never be good for Snape. He and Snape were both lonely, but to treat loneliness one had to have something that could fill the hole. Lily was a boundless energy overflowing with possibilities, all of which she could pour into Snape. _She could fill Snape,_ Remus thought a bit dully, finally accepting. _I would have just widened the void he had._

A few days later when Snape and James exchanged heated words that ended with Sirius hexing all of Snape's hair to grow uncontrollably, Remus was satisfied to learn he felt nothing but the tiniest guilt.

 **v.**  
Fifth year brought shiny prefect badges for Remus and Evans, more responsibilities, a resolution by Remus to try and stop his friends from pestering Severus Snape, and more torment for Snape. Evans had a reputation for being somewhat of a martinet, not to mention one of the most hardworking and studious witches in their year level. Some joked she would have been a Ravenclaw if not for her zeal to defend others. All things considered, Remus was a bit intimidated by her.

Nevertheless, they both spoke in the train to Hogwarts and worked a schedule for meeting in the common room before patrolling the corridors of Hogwarts. Mostly, Remus would do his homework with his friends in the Gryffindor common room before Evans stumbled in through the portrait hole, cheeks flushed and trying to hold her smile as she gestured to Remus impatiently, "Let's go, hurry," before disappearing through it once more, leaving Sirius and Peter to snicker at James' goofy expression and Remus to hurry after her. When patrolling, they were civil with each other as housemates usually were, although Evans had several criticisms against his friends, especially James Potter and Sirius Black.

"You should manage to control them," she told Remus after they caught a couple of third years trying to switch the paintings in the Charms corridor. "Potter and Black, I mean. You and Pettigrew aren't the bad sort and with the two of you exerting influence I think they'll be kept in line."

Remus only nodded and smiled. "I'll see," he lied.

"And tell them to stop bullying others," she went on.

The side of Remus's mouth twitched in irritation. "If you want them to stop tormenting Snape," he could not help saying, "maybe you should tell them yourself."

"I _do_ want them and I _have,"_ Evans snapped back, meeting his eyes steadily. "I don't see _you_ exerting any effort in that."

"Maybe I don't see the need for them to stop," he countered. Their steps were slowing, the tapping of their heels against stone floor echoing across the long dark corridor. "Maybe I don't mind."

"That's not what a prefect should do!" she pointed out angrily.

"I didn't ask to be one," Remus muttered but Evans only huffed and went on ahead.

A few weeks later, he was on his way down to the greenhouse to get some rhododendrons for his project when he saw two familiar figures standing right next to the glass walls, speaking softly. He instinctively ducked behind a tree, angry at himself for having a need to hide before realizing that the slight wind was carrying their words towards him.

"—not a problem…him." Those were Evans' words.

Snape answered, "—not afraid, just…you're pretty and—" He stopped when Evans laughed and Remus could hear his voice, a husky tenor breaking into baritone and devoid of the usual malice reserved for him and his friends. Snape was protesting but the words were lost to Remus because right then, there was shuffling and then Evans whizzed past him and towards the castle. Even with that brief moment, Remus caught sight of her: red hair tousled by the wind, gloved hands pressed on both her cheeks, and a smile so wide that it made Remus feel that familiar pain in his stomach.

Almost as soon as she disappeared around a mound that blocked her view of the greenhouse, he stepped away and turned to the remaining person. Severus Snape was gazing at the direction in which Evans had disappeared, his face showing an emotion that could have been called tenderness—something that Remus had never seen before—but was rapidly changing into the usual scowl.

"Lupin," he growled.

Remus thought it amazing that Snape did not point his wand at him immediately. And, he admitted, a bit endearing. "Snape."

There was silence as he stared down the slope. Snape had shoved his hands inside his worn coat as if he was waiting for Remus to make sudden moves before he drew his wand; he would not meet Remus' eyes. "All right," the Slytherin boy finally said, "where are the others?"

"Who?" Remus first thought of Evans before he realized that Snape was talking about his friends. "They're not here."

"Going to take points away from Slytherin for speaking with a Gryffindor prefect?" Snape sneered.

Taken aback, Remus had to blink and digest this for a moment. "What—of course not," he protested. "I wouldn't do that."

"Of course," Snape snorted. "You're the sort who'll only watch as his friends…" His voice trailed away and he glared at Remus accusingly.

 _"That_ I can take as an insult and take points against," Remus said angrily, stepping forward.

Snape stepped backwards. "Not a step closer, Gryffindor," he snarled. "I'm armed."

"So am I."

"I'm faster," the Slytherin boasted. Remus was actually also quick in drawing his wand but he didn't know which of them was faster. He had no intention of finding out, so they stared at each other for a long time, unwilling to turn their backs to one another.

Then, without warning, Evans came round the mound once more, chattering, "Severus, you've—oh. Lupin." Her voice became guarded.

"Evans," Remus said levelly.

"What are you doing back here?" Snape barked out.

Evans' eyes flared at his tone. "I came back to talk to you," she replied coolly, reaching the Slytherin's side. Their figures were not close but Remus' eyes followed the way her gloved hand touched Snape's sleeves. It was a light touch but Snape's eyes were already turned to her. "Let's go. Lupin." She nodded at him and they walked past him.

That night while patrolling Evans said stiffly, "Severus Snape can sometimes be too paranoid."

Remus nodded, accepting. "He is."

"But just because he's Slytherin," Evans went on, still not turning to him, "doesn't mean he's all bad."

Remus remembered the frightened rebellious boy he’d seen during first year, and remembered how he had spent much of last year wondering about loneliness and touches that could heal, about Severus Snape and his enticingly slender hands wrapped over Remus' scarred ones. He wanted to stomp on the memories, wanted to eat them and spit them raw during the next full moon. "I know that, Evans," he said, again irritated.

Evans did not answer.

And then the OWLs came, along with it the terrible prank of James and Sirius of holding Severus Snape upside down. Remus found himself alternately burning hot at the sight and feeling icily cold, mortified at the scene, aroused at the sight, then ashamed of his inability to exert any effort to stop his friends.

And Evans…Evans had been there to witness part of the thing, and she had seen how Remus had done nothing while she had used her influence over James to end it. In the end it had been all about Evans.

He was considering this a few days after OWLs ended and he was in the Shrieking Shack by himself, naked and restlessly pacing while the sky grew darker. His thoughts were on his friends and the time they would most likely come by later and, because he also thought of James, his thoughts turned to Evans and then Snape—then suddenly, the painful tightening in his stomach was there, spreading towards his chest that for a second he could not breathe.

Snape was…Snape had been beautiful during that time when he was with Evans in that little world they were in, and Remus remembered the way the mouth that only spat anger could somehow smile as long as it was Evans.

Remus had not been exactly alone—how could he, with friends like Peter, Sirius and James?—yet there was something in Snape that he thought they would be able to share because…

 _Shut up about it,_ he thought to himself angrily. It should have been the first thing he considered, the possibility that Severus Snape was not gay and that he would never be with Remus Lupin because he was also a boy. A _boy_ werewolf. A _werewolf_ boy. The pain intensified and lengthened and he could not help but release a howl.

 

A part of him continued to wonder, as he was under the transforming clutches of his curse, if Severus Snape was a disease. It seemed horrible, this feeling of loneliness and need, and it almost felt like that time he finally discovered what it truly meant to be a werewolf and that it meant that he would forever be alone.

The day before leaving Hogwarts, Remus realized that Evans and Snape's relationship must have become strained because he saw them together again, speaking urgently at the edge of the Forbidden Forest, shoulders touching and their faces close to each other. Remus could not see them clearly but his eyesight could discern their worry, the lines of anger on Snape's face, the incensed look on Evans'.

Between them hovered something that Remus knew had been there since that debacle right after their DADA OWLs. It was an ugly word, and Evans left abruptly when Remus made out Snape's mouth forming the word: _"Mudblood."_

 **vi.**  
When the Shrieking Shack Incident occurred during their Sixth Year, Remus had no real inkling of the specifics, only that it involved something dangerous and something about Snape, because when he awoke briefly the next day he saw Snape sitting on a bed the farthest away from him. He tried to call to him, but Madame Pomfrey was at his side immediately and he soon gave up to rest. When he next awoke Snape was gone.

Headmaster Dumbledore came to visit and explain. His kind voice belied the seriousness of the situation. Towards the end, Remus had difficulty breathing. He later accepted Sirius and James by his side and interrupted their blabbered apologies with a cold statement: "I don't ever want to speak to you again."

"But!" Sirius protested and then grimaced as James nudged him non-too-gently.

When he was released late that afternoon, Peter tried to intervene for their other two friends but Remus only shook his head. "They _used_ me," he pointed out.

Peter frowned. "But they've apologised," he offered.

"They have," Remus said. He still could not stop his hands from trembling—from anger or from fear, he did not know. He clenched them instead. "But I can't listen to them right now."

"They meant well," Peter tried again but Remus only shook his head and Peter, bless him, relented.

And while he was Remus' best friend, he was still also James and Sirius' friend as well; he tried to stay loyal to both Remus and the other two, trying Remus' patience and taking the brunt of his anger in the following days until Remus snapped and shouted at him that he was betraying _him_ as well. It was unreasonable, Remus knew, but he was angry and tired, and the hole that was Severus Snape that he thought was already closed the previous year felt like it had been callously ripped wide open.

Two days after he was released from the Hospital Wing, Remus sought Severus Snape at the Potions classroom where he was predictably working on his extra credit. When Remus made himself known by standing in the middle of the doorframe, Snape immediately bolted from his seat and grabbed his wand, not hesitating in pointing it at him. "Come to finish the job?" he snarled.

Remus didn't move, hoping that no-one would pass by the dungeon corridors and wonder what he was doing standing at the edge of the classroom. "I came to apologise," he called out to Snape who was still in the middle of the room.

"Really. Where are Black and Potter?"

Remus shrugged. "I'm not speaking with them."

"I see," Snape replied scathingly. "They betrayed you as well?"

Despite Remus' anger the barb against his ex-friends still stung. "At least they're still seeking me out," he retorted.

"Not anymore from what you just told me," the Slytherin said triumphantly. He did not relinquish his hold on his wand.

Remus sighed. "They're prats and idiots but they're my friends." As soon as this tumbled out of his mouth he realised it was still true. "Still, I wanted to apologise. I've been…I didn't want you to know. I never wanted anyone to know."

"How could the Headmaster have allowed this?" Snape hissed, jabbing his wand accusingly at Remus' direction. "I suppose he thought he’d take you in for a little charity? Suppose he thought it would make you grateful? Suppose he'll think he owns you now?"

Remus stared at him. "You're mad."

"It does not surprise me that you Gryffindors are almost like Hufflepuffs," Snape sneered, "only with those swelled heads. At least Ravenclaws have managed to deduce some of the possibilities. Have you looked around, Lupin? _Have you listened?_ The Headmaster has betrayed not only me, but you as well. You shan't be able to refuse him—"

"What are you talking about?" Remus asked, bewildered as Snape's mouth snapped shut with a clatter of teeth clenching. "I only came here to apologise and you're saying—"

"Spouting nonsense?" Snape laughed hysterically and Remus thought that it was an ugly sound. "Suppose I am? And you. You are a monster following Dumbledore's orders, Dumbledore's ideals, Dumbledore's knowledge. You dredge up the glory of your friends. You stand there and judge me, and you believe— _stop right there!"_ He raised his wand again and pointed it at Remus, who had stepped inside and was making his way towards him, ignoring the order from the shaking boy. "I'm warning you!"

"I'll take my chances," Remus snarled, trying to hold back his temper. "You have no right to judge me!"

"And you have no right to apologise," Snape retorted, voice trembling. "You are all conspiring—I have no respect—what the hell are you doing?!"

For Remus had stopped right in front of him, letting the tip of Snape's wand press against his chest. "Sirius and James were idiots but you shouldn't have gone—"

"Don't you _dare_ blame it on me!" Snape shouted, straightening his back stiffly. "It could have been _anyone_ who followed you, but it was no coincidence that it was _me!_ _I_ was led there! _I_ was almost killed by your rabid werewolf self! _I_ had to be told off and threatened with detention for trying to find out about you!"

"Such belated interest, Snape."

"Someone had to keep you in line!"

"And who appointed you?"

"Since no one was volunteering," Snape sneered, apparently gaining some confidence, "I took it upon myself."

"I don't need your arrogance—"

"And I told you, I do not need your apologies. Now. Get. Ou _mmph!"_ Snape's words were silenced as Remus pressed his lips against Snape's—hard, long, devouring. The wand dug deeper into Remus' chest but he strove hard to ignore the possible damages it might inflict as he slowly closed his fingers around Snape's wrists and pulled them to his side. His sheer audacity caused Snape to gasp, and Remus took the opportunity to deepen the kiss, tongue conquering the barrier of lips and exploring the cavern of Snape's mouth.

There was an uncomfortable moment when he thought Snape would bite his tongue, only to have the other boy gasp out again with Remus catching the sound in his own throat and sending all the blood in his body pooling to his groin. The clatter of Snape's wand falling to the desk and rolling onto the floor barely registered as he backed Snape against the desk, mouths pressed desperately against each other.

"Get off, Lupin," Snape hissed, then moaned, "You left the door open!"

"Don't care," Remus growled, wishing he were better at multitasking. His mouth moved from Snape's lips and trailed dangerously down his neck; his hands were trying to unclasp Snape's robes while his whole body screamed to move closer, _closer_ , and _what_ was Snape doing with his hands on Remus' chest? Remus gasped as the long fingers found the clasps of his own robes.

"God," Snape muttered, arching his body across the desk to press himself closer to Remus. "You fucking—ah—you fucking— _animal_ —you fucking monster—"

"Shut up!" Remus ground out, pressing his hips against Snape's and emitting a louder groan. "You fucking shut up or I'll—" He showed him by rubbing their groins together. The action brought such a rush of dizziness and arousal coursing through his body that he did it again and again, letting their cocks strain against their clothes as Snape chanted, "Goddamn you, so good, yes, fucking bastard, gods, _yes_ —"

It was silenced into a shuddered groan when Lupin's hands released him to dig through Snape’s robes and into his trousers, unbuttoning them in a few frustrated movements before enclosing around Snape's cock. All the air seemed to be trapped in Remus' throat as he watched Snape arch against his hands, arms falling back to balance himself on the desk.

 _Did Evans see this?_ he couldn't help thinking. _Did she do this last week? Last month? Last year? The first day they met?_ Snape gave a shout as Remus jerked his balls gently. _Did she hold his cock in her hands and see this face?_

Because the panting boy trapped beneath him was still the same ugly creature he had met since first entering the school, yet Remus found himself painfully aroused in seeing how someone so ugly and so familiar could be transformed into something incredibly _perfect,_ the way his robes and shirt pooled over his skin to reveal his body, his trousers pressed down to his knees, red hard cock jutting proudly between his spread legs and responding to the ministration of Remus Lupin's hands. He wanted to mark every part of Severus Snape and crow that he was _mine, mine, mine!_

Instead, he fumbled with his own robes and trousers so that he could free his cock without too much damage except for a minor scrape with his nails, and even then it didn't matter when he managed to bring their cocks together, grinding their sensitive flesh and bringing another rush of arousal.

Snape's hand snaked towards Remus' cock, and when his long fingers wrapped around both their lengths, squeezing in such a way that almost made Remus stumble towards him, there was no more coherent thought, no more stupid Sirius and James, no more Shrieking Shack, no more problematic Peter, no more Evans with the charming smile, just Remus Lupin and Severus Snape and their cocks rubbing together, the heads glistening with pre-cum, slick and rough at the same time.

"Severus," Remus panted, almost ashamed at the whine in the voice. "Severus—" His cock sliding against Snape's swollen cock, both slick and painfully hard now inside their fisted hands, their hips' frantically thrusting towards each other, was the most erotic thing Remus had ever seen until it built and built—

—and just before the end, Remus grabbed Severus'— _Severus'_ —hands to let their fingers envelop their cocks, squeezing and desperate. It did not matter who was holding who, because they both exploded again and again until Remus simply toppled over Snape, pushing the other boy over the desk with their mouths fused together in an effort to swallow each other's screams.

When Remus attempted to speak, the other boy shoved him back, snarled something about staying the hell away from him, and refastened his clothes in record time before leaving. Remus thought about waiting for him to return; Snape had to because he had left his cauldron still simmering and his crumpled and torn parchments where they had both collapsed had fluttered on the floor. The resolve lasted all of two minutes because he was tired, sticky, and wanted a bath more than he wanted to confront Snape.

The next day he talked to Peter about his behaviour before seeking out James and Sirius to tell them exactly how much their betrayal hurt. He left them fumbling and stammering in his wake.

The same day, Snape and Evans were rumoured to have been seen rowing near the edge of the Forbidden Forest. Snape had called Evans a Mudblood and Evans called Snape a fascist. The Gryffindors and the Slytherins chalked it up as another episode between the house's rivalries, a follow-up of all the hostilities that the houses were experiencing, especially with the pressure from the war just outside their school walls.

Remus knew better than they. But he also knew better than to approach Snape.

Once, Remus thought he saw Evans and Snape together again during a Hogsmeade weekend when he had purposefully let himself get left behind in order to finish a DADA project. He was inside a corridor and had chanced two figures again at the edge of the Forbidden Forest, holding hands and walking slowly, but it was a blistery day in autumn and he had to look away. By the time he returned his gaze, the two figures were gone.

And then, rumour sparked that Narcissa Black had been seen questioning Snape in public places, had taken to following him around, and speaking to him outside of classes. The rest of them watched as Sirius alternately snarled "that fucking ass, if he lays one hand on my cousin, I'll…" and "who cares what that snitty bitch does in her own free time?" Then it had been all the other Blacks, Bellatrix and Regulus included, and Sirius continued to grow frustrated.

And on the way back in the train to King's Cross Station for another summer holiday, Remus had just finished patrolling the cars with the other prefects and was about to separate from Evans when she grasped his sleeve and looked up at him with her brows knit together and her face hard. "May I sit with you?"

"Yes!" Peter called out from inside the compartment before Remus could answer. He seemed relieved to have her join them.

Remus nodded and took his place next to Peter as Evans sat across them, glaring stiffly out of the window, her fists clenched over her lap and her eyes dry, squinting against the sunlight that poured against the compartment window—or perhaps not that. Together, the three of them sat in the quiet compartment that was broken only by the metallic chugging of wheels against tracks.

Apparently tiring of the silence, Peter spoke first by offering Remus a Chocolate Frog. He gladly accepted and thanked his friend.

Remus knew that his broodings were different from Evans', yet he could almost sympathise. He imagined Snape sitting alone in his own compartment with his thin lips parted in ecstatic gasps, cock in his hand, fingers reaching for his balls—squished the thought completely and offered Lily one of his own Chocolate Frogs.

She accepted it gratefully and shoved it down her throat in one gulp as if to swallow her sobs. Peter and Remus exchanged glances and knew it had been the right thing to do.

 **vii.**  
Seventh Year brought frantic exams, applications for further training, apprenticeships, job applications, and the position of Head Boy to James and Head Girl to Evans. A week into the term, Remus realized that everything was over and done with; there was no more going back and there was only the future—one without Severus Snape in his life. He was never going to be. With this, he forgave James and Sirius, much to Peter's relief.

James and Sirius were closer to each other than ever, especially over the summer when Sirius ran away from home and lived with James. Together, the four of them seemed to forget that what happened in the Shrieking Shack ever happened, and Lily Evans actually accepted James' invitation to go to Hogsmeade, much to his shock and delight. Remus, Peter and Sirius only smiled at each other ruefully.

Outside the walls of Hogwarts, a war was beginning against a Dark Wizard named Lord Voldemort, while inside arguments over petty rivalries usually ended with hexes and mild curses so that the Hospital Wing had at least two students or one staff at least every day. Political factions formed and broke; allegiances were supposedly made and students whispered that even their professors were taking active roles against this Dark Lord—or for him.

The end of the year also brought several hasty marriage proposals. James and Peter barely managed to restrain Sirius when a Slytherin stopped by their table during dinner to announce quite smugly that Lucius Malfoy had apparated to Hogsmeade and had formally asked for Narcissa Black's hand in marriage. Later, James and Lily had to pull Sirius out of the Slytherin common room where he had proceeded to insult Narcissa's family, her sister Bellatrix, and her loyalties.

While James brought Sirius to their room to talk, Lily sat across Remus in the common room while he drew hexagrams for DADA.

"Severus was there in the common room," Lily said quietly.

Remus' quill stopped its scratching yet he did not trust himself to raise his head. "He's a Slytherin. It's his dorm."

"But it's changed so much." There was again a scowl on Lily's face, scrunching her features into problematic lines. Remus had long ago learned that this was the face she had when she was struggling not to cry. "He's changed and when…"

Remus stayed quiet.

"It couldn't last, but I had hoped anyway," Lily went on quietly, then confessed in a mere whisper, "I hate myself for wishing he'd ask." Her right hand was twisting her left hand finger where an engagement ring was absent and Remus found that he could not look at her. He kept his eyes on his DADA book.

"And now with us leaving school in just a few weeks, I don't know if we'll ever see other again—"

"Lily, please," Remus managed to choke out.

And Lily looked at him, met his eyes, and understood some part. The frown on her face disappeared into a sad smile. "Oh. We're hopeless cases, aren't we?"

"Hopeless," Remus agreed, lump in his throat. "What are we to do then, Evans?"

"Don't really know, Lupin," she said. Then gave a forced laugh. "Survive. There are worse evils than lost love."

"Yes." Remus shook his head. "Yes, there are. And you're right." His eyes strayed to the DADA texts, taking in the different methods that can stop a _Suffocliria_ curse, wondering about the current war. There were worse evils in the world.

At the end of the year war was something they could no longer ignore. Some students began disappearing, either to go back to their homes or to volunteer for secret groups, many did not know. Hogwarts threatened to close down but the Headmaster finally decided that it was one of the safest places and would continue to house students who may wish to stay over the summer holidays. Secretly, Remus was proud of this decision and wished it would continue to stand forever.

He found Snape alone in one corner of the library a few days before term ended, somewhere near the Restricted Section, and walked purposefully towards him. Snape looked at him, akin to a rabbit trapped by a Muggle mob, before straightening.

"Severus." Remus said, trying not to choke at the name.

Snape looked doubly suspicious but he nodded. "Lupin."

Remus wondered how the boy could call him by his last name when they had done what they did the year earlier. His cock twitched at the memory. "Term's ending soon."

"Not soon enough," Snape muttered.

"I think—"

"Shall we skip to the weather now?" the Slytherin snapped. "I believe we'll have rain today. Now we have covered all significant conversation topics. Good day, I must get going." He attempted to leave but Remus managed to block his way. _"Lupin,"_ Snape hissed.

"Did it mean anything?" Remus asked recklessly. "That time? When we—"

Snape looked positively murderous. "How can you even _suggest_ that?" he asked incredulously, then lowered his voice when it bounced a bit ominously among the shelves. "You're a fool to take it seriously."

"Are you gay?" Remus felt his breath hold. That wasn't what he was going to ask. He was supposed to ask if Snape would be his friend. If maybe they could start over. If he could somehow help him get over Lily, because he had seen the way Snape looked at her as well as the angry looks he shot James whenever James sought to impress Lily.

"Does it matter?" And suddenly, Snape seemed weary. "Gay or not, it happened." Then, ruthlessly, he added, "We did not have _sex_ , Lupin. Such actions do not make one gay. Nor does it make for nice conversation in the library."

"Fuck you," Remus said hoarsely, because suddenly all he wanted to do was push Snape on the shelf and lift his robes, grab his cock and do all those things he had only read before in James and Sirius's magazine stash. The intoxicating smell of books made him heady and he could sense Snape's interest. He held out an arm.

Snape flinched involuntarily and took a step back. _"Monster,"_ he hissed and pushed past him, through a group of studying Hufflepuffs and a group of Slytherins before disappearing through the massive doors.

Remus had to hold onto a shelf for support as he tried to make the raging hard-on now chafing his underpants disappear. He hoped no one would notice if he walked out of here; the robes might conceal it. He wanted to squeeze his cock right now and think it was Severus Snape kneeling between his knees and taking him in his mouth.

Much later in the solitude of his dorm room and after sating himself with his hands and with images of Snape sprawled before the bookshelf of the library, it occurred to Remus that, for once, he didn't associate Lily with Snape during the entire exchange.

At the end of Remus Lupin's Seventh Year in Hogwarts, he found himself chatting with Peter, Sirius, James and Lily at the station while waiting for the train to arrive. Peter was joking about the extra trunk Sirius and James had to share for all the souvenirs that they had nicked from Filch's office. At the corner of his eye, Remus could see a solitary student at the edge of the crowd, wearing black robes and standing by a single, lonesome trunk. Remus identified him as one of their classmates, the source of almost all of Sirius and James' ire, the source of Remus and Lily's despair, and it alternately amused and saddened Remus that no-one was talking to the boy.

He thought about that boy and the time he first saw him—really saw him—during that time in Flying class with everyone laughing. He saw the memory of an isolated figure of a boy in a compartment and remembered how just the mere sight of him made Remus smile. He recalled how he had thought about loneliness and gaps and touches while watching the boy stare at the stars in an almost-forgotten Astronomy class.

He remembered how his heart was ripped by Lily Evans and her love for the boy, a love that was returned, and how their own love had consumed him obsessively. And remembered how those clever fingers shyly held Lily's hands yet burned trails on Remus' skin during an illicit tryst inside an empty Potions classroom.

He remembered, and was glad to realise that the pain in his stomach and in his chest were now too little to consider. He had been wrong before in forgetting about the consequences and the intense aching followed by regret, but oh, Remus was older now, and wiser, and he could not be wrong about this.

Watching Lily Evans barely glance at Severus Snape, he thought she understood him and he smiled.

**Author's Note:**

> The first Snape/Lupin I wrote!


End file.
